Evening Harold - The Free Lunch Read online

  The ambitious plan from Tesco will see several giant catapults built at all of their distribution centres, starting with a trial at the Daventry depot from mid-2014 making grocery deliveries by air.

  “Jeff Bezos has grand plans for Amazon’s drone deliveries but they are completely unrealistic and essentially pie in the sky. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what you will see from us as we send your groceries hurtling towards your house with reasonable accuracy.”

  Mr Clarke claims that the trial will be up and running by June and will see all of the midlands serviced from one centre, capable of hurling your online shopping in the general direction of your house within thirty minutes of your order being placed. Clarke mentioned that his store could not be held accountable for any damages that might occur during transit, pointing out that it would leave the premises ‘in perfect condition’.

  If this grocery trial is successful then the system will be rolled out to the Tesco Direct arm of the business, with everything up to and including furniture available to be thrown several miles towards your home.

  “The intricacies of delivering shopping by catapult are not to be underestimated, so we have invested heavily in these plans, which will be led by a recognised expert in the field.” continued Clarke, “I am pleased to announce that Mr Wile E. Coyote joined our business this week and will personally head up the project to ensure its success.”

  By VerticallyChallengedGiant

  Small Ads 1

  57 Plate cardboard box with wheels drawn on

  Would make ideal first car for small child. Tried webuyanycar.com, turns out they only buy real cars. 3 months MOT & tax. £3,995 ono. Tel 01998 8766666

  For Sale: Mattress, slight urine stain

  £20 or near offer, or will swap for mattress without urine stain.

  SANDBAGS for sale

  Vintage ex World War One sandbags for sale. Genuine antiques which survived the Somme so should be good enough for the Thames.  Only £10 each. Something to treasure long after the floods recede.

  Apply Flanders 02 1914 1918

  Various tablets, pills, powders etc found under floorboards during renovations

  No doubt illicit mind-bending garbage left by previous occupant. £100 the lot. 01998 645-2855.

  I AM NOT A DRUG DEALER

  ‘Campaign to reclaim words that have become rude’ is launched by US Judge David Minge

  No, really.

  American Judge and former US politician David R. Minge has taken a leave of absence from his judicial duties to launch a campaign aimed at “enriching the English language by reclaiming those words that have unfortunately gained new, offensive meanings.”

  Speaking at a press conference this morning, The Honorable Minge explained: “In the same way that the N word and the Q word have been reclaimed by the Black and Belgian communities respectively, I hope to bring back common usage of such words as ‘nonce’, ‘fanny’, ‘knockers’ and ‘felch’, and in so doing remove their unpleasant new meanings for ever.”

  Minge, who is an absolutely definitely real person (Google him if you don’t believe it) is married to Karen Aaker Minge of Gaylord (no, really), Minnesota, and is unable to recollect precisely why he first developed an interest in these words. He believes it may have been during a trip to the UK.

  “I remember arriving at customs in Heathrow airport,” he recalled, “And exclaiming loudly that I was ‘here for the nonce, taking a break from my knockers in the USA, and couldn’t wait to sit down on my fanny and have a nice cool felch’, but after the security guards arrived it’s all a bit of a blur.”

  Words such as these which can no longer be used with their original meanings are known technically as ‘flange words’, after the researcher who first identified the phenomenon and tragically realised that his own name had itself become a joke word. Dick Flange spent years categorising these shifts in lexical meanings, but was never himself able to achieve academic recognition due to all copies of his doctoral thesis being horribly vandalised.

  By Rick

  High Pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps: more chi, less cheese

  Tired of your tramp stinking?  Fed up of the stench of stale urine, Special Brew and BO? Had enough of your local vagabond being surrounded by their own cloud of flies?  Or worse, is your hobo’s aura showing signs of wear and tear? Then Mick Clarkson of Clarkson’s Cars has the answer!!

  Following on from the success of his car wash and automated dog grooming businesses, Mick has launched another innovative service: high pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps.

  Speaking exclusively to the Evening Harold, Mr Clarkson told us that the inspiration for his new venture came from the annual Trampfest, which sees hundreds of people who are strangers to soap descend upon the village.

  “A few of them had been dossing down in the cars in my yard,” Mr Clarkson told us, “and even though I sprayed Febreze and hung a few pine air-fresheners in the motors, the smell lingered.  I figured that it might be more effective to tackle the problem at source. Plus the Aromatherapy oils can help them in other ways.  I’ve been told that. By a woman.”

  The state-of-the art facility sees a ‘Containment Room’ where tramps have their outer garments removed by hypoallergenic robot arms, before being led through to the ‘Treatment Area’ by a Lurcher on a bit of string.  In this area, specific oils chosen and blended for each individual hobo are added to a high-pressure washer.

  “We’ve done our research,” said Mick, “And we know that a combination of lobelia and thyme help counter addictions, while frankincense, chamomile, geranium and clary sage boost self-esteem.  We choose those which are most appropriate for each individual client, then increase the recommended amount by ten, and hose the bastards down.”

  It is hoped that the relaxing benefits of the oils, combined with the high-intensity muscle-pounding of the pressure-washer will leave the tramps feeling clean and serene, and more pleasant for the rest of the village to be around.

  The service was demonstrated for us by Harold’s own tramp, former stockbroker John Horse.  Mr Horse seemed to perk up quite considerably during his wash, with almost coherent expostulations being heard from him.  Following his ‘blast’ of heavily scented foam and water, Mr Horse was then led through to the ‘Drying Area’ where he was blown-dry by a renovated WWII Spitfire engine, before being handed some fresh clothes from charitable donors.

  Mick Clarkson sees only one fly in his ointment; stiff competition from a group of  Lithuanian hand-aromatherapists.

  “For a tenner, they’ll do a tramp inside and out”, explained Clarkson. “Although they do charge a bit more for a big one.”

  By JeniB

  Vandals target village ‘anal museum’ sign

  Vandals are sniffing out brown finger-posts

  Harold’s popular anal museum is facing an onslaught from vandals, hell-bent on defacing the signpost with an additional ‘C’.

  Villagers are proud of their museum of anuses, and its collection of rare sphincters and historical ring pieces. Located down a back alley between Harold’s twin bunshops, the damage to the sign has left some curious would-be visitors complaining that they’re struggling to gain access.

  “For some reason, these puerile little sods think it’s funny to vandalise our sign, so it looks like we’re some kind of ‘canal museum’”, whined head curator Janet Brown.

  “They might think it’s a harmless joke but they’re not the ones confronted by weirdos in captain’s caps and jumpers, carrying hand-painted kettles and banging on about locks.”

  PC Anita Flegg vowed to crack the anal outrage, “I can assure you, I’m going to get to the bottom of this”, she exclaimed. “We’re probing the area very carefully in the hope of finding an opening. The culprit should know I’m right behind them and I will finger them shortly. I can feel the ring is steadily tightening.”

  Janet Brown revealed that the graffiti has left her down in the dumps, because it detracts from the museum’s recent r
enovation. “As well as our draws full of bum-rings and hourly endoscope demonstrations, we’ve got a wall of tea-towel holders for the children to prod.”

  “But thanks to these morons, the public are struggling to find our front entrance. I’m just glad a few have managed to squeeze their way in through the back.”

  Brown wants it to be made clear that the museum barely mentions a single narrow boat, and people obsessed with canals won’t be made welcome.

  “Steering from the rear as you barge through some grubby backwater? I’m not about to give that lot ‘permission to come aboard’. I never thought I’d say this, but I hate being surrounded by arseholes.”

  By Waylandsmithy

  ‘Dark Side’ Of Prostitution: Sex Workers: The Sex They Sell: Darkness: Dark Sex

  For years it seems, since the start, or earlier, the prostitute has been a thing to be bargained with (men and women).

  But what of Harold, in this place and now?(?) This is where you would want a journalist to poke its nose in – and I’ve done that.

  11pm. Bingle Street, near the Co-op. And there’s me. I am stood before the door of ‘Madame Flex’ so-called, and now I’m banging on the door.

  After a while it opens to reveal some light that comes out and some warmth seeps also which I feel on my mouth. The woman who it is that answers (perhaps it is Madame Flex (it is)) asks me what I want?

  I bite my lips and through my teeth and huskily demand: “Sex, and the trimmings.”

  She reclines (check this) the door and pushes herself to the side where a space now is that I can get through. Within, the doors slams quietly with a loud bang and I am inside.

  Then, and all journalists say this, I nearly give the game up by saying “I am journalist and this is a ruse of mine.”

  But luckily my lips are still bitten and I remain tight-lipped, trapping my words into a meaningless grunt. The air is scented with heavy sex, I think.

  After many years in the field, it’s the small details that I see and I begin to become an observer. Slippers by a door. Carpet. A flat-topped table.

  Madame Flex eyes my face and looks into my eyes which I try not to shy away for fear of looking a liar.

  She asks me what I require, to which I give the answer: “I don’t know, what is there?”

  But then I add: “And how much are these things?”

  She reels (says) this list, which I have made more nicer for the eyes of family readers by euthanasia (check this): “On top £20. Mouth £15. Double mouth £20. A round the back £25.”

  My little boy comes out (inner) and I giggle asking: “What’s a ’round the back’? Is that when you take me round the back of the building?”

  Bizarrely, this is exactly what it is.

  To buy myself journalism time I pretend to be summing my options. I look at my watch frequently to make it seem that time is something I have.

  But journalism comes true, and I ask: “How long have you been doing this? Is it shameful? How do you live with yourself and those around you?”

  She is outraged and utters: “Are you a f***ing (f**king) hack?” she asks.

  “Wait” I say and run to the door and out of it. When there I say “yes” and she slams the door with a hand.

  What shocking atrocity. With the Mayor’s office for sexual investigations recently finding that there are over 7 brothels or more in Harold’s east side alone, this one that I’ve been writing about is representative perhaps of many others.

  It saddens me, and hopefully you’ll see that is what I meant.

  Perhaps the great poet HP Keats said it best: (find poem)

  By Mik Bulk; Sniffing out the news so you don’t have to.

  Derek Acorah crash ‘blamed on spirits’

  Psychic is now considering an Acorah NSX

  63 year-old self-confessed TV psychic Derek Acorah has been charged with careless driving and failing to provide a breath specimen, after crashing half a mile from the popular Squirrel Lickers Arms in Dunstable Road, Harold.

  Acorah was arrested at the scene by PC Anita Flegg who had followed the celebrity after he left the Squirrel Lickers’ monthly Frog Sandwich & Pernod Absinthe night.

  According to an onlooker at the scene, Acorah asked Flegg if they’d met previously, before announcing ‘I’m getting something… It’s the driver of a Ford Ka… He says ‘iiiit waaas aaaaalll myyy faaaault, you caaaan let Mister Acorah goooo’. “Then the bloke from the ambulance announced that he wasn’t dead, just concussed”, explained Acorah. “There’s always one in the audience who plays up.”

  Flegg cautioned him before asking “Have you got anything to say Mr Acorah? Oh all right – have you got anything to say Mr Bonaparte?”

  Acorah made no further comment at the scene although, speaking later outside Dunstable Police Station, he said “I was a bit distracted by the voices on medium-wave.”

  “I’d closed my eyes for just a split second and the spirits poured into me, then I crashed. It was a sign: it said ‘Give Way 100 Yards’. Wait.. is there somebody here called Derek with a career dependant on driving between provincial theatres?”

  Acorah was bailed to appear at Luton Magistrates Court later this month.  Police Custody Sergeant Jervis said “I was thinking of having him sectioned, partly because of all the ‘voices’ he said were speaking to him but mainly because he was bloody annoying.”

  “Anyway, later this week  I’m going to think very hard of the exact time and date of his Court appearance, which Acorah will  then attempt to write down.”

  It’s not the first time Acorah has been involved in an accident. As he explained, “there’s something that draws me to the other side.”

  By Dvo4Fun

  Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

  Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick

  One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2′s Jeremy Vine.

  Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.

  Thankfully the residents of Harold can finally put their differences aside. Disc Jockey Jeremy happened across Harold during a nature trip, which was intended to get to the bottom of red squirrels.

  After hearing two locals arguing over a pint of near-Baileys cream liquor in the ‘Lickers’, he suggested his own unique solution to conflict resolution – a radio phone-in.

  Yesterday that dream saw its realisation on our very own Radio Harold. Councillor Ron Ronsson himself posed the question, and the switchboard literally lit up with 3 callers. Pippa from Harold said yes, Eddie from Harold said no, and Rufus from Harold said he wasn’t sure.

  The matter finally closed beyond all doubt, the people of Harold celebrated long into the night with impromptu street parties, reunions, and a united hatred of Dunstable.

  By Button

  Harry Styles releases new autobiography “What I’ve done since last Thursday”

  Sorry, wrong book. It’s difficult to keep up.

  One Direction singer, Harry Styles, has today released his 23rd autobiography since finding fame on the X Factor three years ago. “What I’ve done since last Thursday” promises to be the most revealing book since his last one, which was released two weeks earlier.

  “This is me, by me, in my own words. Well, somebody else’s words, I didn’t actually do the writing. But I told him stuff and I fully endorse it and will be getting most of the money from it.” confirmed Styles, “This book lets people have a real insight into my world over the last week, and reveals things like why I chose what I did for dinner on Friday.”

  Most 19-year-old boys would struggle to find enough material to fill one autobiography, let alone twenty three, and S
tyles is no exception. This has not stopped him from trying though.

  The new book, being serialised in Hello or Ok or one of those type of things, will reveal the “sensational” story of what time Harry got out of bed on Thursday, lift the lid on the “shocking truth” behind why he missed breakfast on Sunday, and share the “unbelievable” contents of his sandwiches at lunch on Tuesday.

  “People have never had such intimate access to what goes on in my life, apart from in the previous twenty two books.” said Styles, “But this is different, because this is new. The previous books never revealed what I’d done this week but this one does.”

  “Admittedly that’s only because this week hadn’t happened when I released the previous book. Anyway, buy it please it would make a great Christmas present for a teenage girl with a limited IQ.”

  By VerticallyChallengedGiant

  Harold Crosswords

  Today’s crossword set by “Fannybatter”

  Difficulty level: Easy. Very easy.

  Across

  1. Hairy muff? Cream crackers! (7)

  5. Female ejaculation debate? Ask your mother. (7)

  9. Fur pie not in demand, we hear. (5)

  10. Bishop thinks bukkake means paper-folding – should raise eyebrows! (9)

  11. Beef curtains dripping for healthy spread, methinks. (10)

  12. Sharon Stone flashes growler – rough tackle. (4)

  14. Clitoral piercing? Welcome to Sheffield! (12)

  18. Over-par golfer in wrong hole dilemma. (12)

  21. Flange. (4)